Impatiens Part Deux–post Church and Ministry

A mere week ago I discovered my dying impatiens
Provided sanctuary for 3 speckled eggs
Today as the flowers whither
The nest is empty
Somehow without my even noticing
The babies have flown away–
Only some downy feathers remain.
Yesterday I met with a small committee of the UCC:
The ordaining body of my denomination
The bench mark group
The buck stops here folks
The group that many of my peers refer to as holding the hoops
Hoops
–hoops for jumping through without being scratched, touched, or changed.
How these folks seem to bounce from place to place I can’t help but ponder
I’ve never been much of a hoop jumper
Can’t seem to stomach jumping through something merely to
Appease the other
Oh no.
I actually need to engage it.
And so the ordination process goes.
Paper written.
I find myself back in the same spot
needing to justify paradox.
Well that’s a paradox itself, isn’t it?
How does one justify this deep, intrinsic knowing of God—or what I call God—a presence I’ve known since before I can remember time?
(hush)
After all I was one of those strange children that walked out in the woods of her parents’ yard
and actually had butterflies land on her.
I talked to trees
And babbled at brooks
somehow I knewwhat presents would appear under the Christmas tree
Or could sense when death waited to capture someone that I loved.
These encounters I kept hidden
Locked away
In my treasure chest
Secret knowings
Knowing that I knew
But not knowing how
Or why.
You say I have a
Contradiction.
A tension
between
Seeker and sureness
Perhaps it’s rather
Contingency vs. Constant.
(Don’t we all?  Or don’t many?)
I wonder at how I know
But I do,
And yet I don’t.
Not the tangibles
The here
The now
The how.
It’s a deeper knowing.
A knowing of encountering the Mystery
Of feeling Its presence
this peace deep inside
Like Peter on the boat who forgets that Christ is there
I have been Peter
Forgetting the Presence is there the whole time
It is not the Presence that changes
Rather it is me.
And who am I to think that I could ever really capture
Describe or control It?
This power seems to flow toward healing
Wholeness
But to describe that experience as Romantic Love
Safety?
No.
Majestic
Powerful
Immeasurable
Unknowable
And yet I can’t help
Wanting to know
And be known
By this Mystery.
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