Well, kind of. Sort of. Not really. Or at least I’m attempting to be back in the saddle again.
As those of you in academia know, the end of the semester is not really the easiest or best time to stick with a schedule of eating well and exercising well. With special events, celebrations, and an increase in workload, stress, and anxiety things like menu planning, running, and general self-care tend to be the first three things I sacrifice. And this season has been no different. Between end of term “stuff,” preaching responsibilities, and oh yeah, ordination, I allowed myself the grace of being how I needed to be. The grace of I need an extra half-hour to veg with TV. The grace of I think I want to grab that meal on the run. The grace of quick fix, instant gratification, and comfort food (of all kinds.) But here’s the thing. It isn’t working anymore. Sure in the moment it feels great. I breath a deep sigh of relief and fall comfortably back into the patterns of old. But it doesn’t last. I’ve discovered I actually only feel worse. That’s right. Worse. Apparently, I’ve actually started to adjust to this new way of being and living and all be darned, it actually does help me to feel better–physically, emotinally, spiritually.
So I recognize this, but still seem to be struggling to get back in the saddle. There are a million reasons I could list. Exhaustion. Allergies. Full Schedule. Family Drama. The players really don’t change. The conflict at hand might but the actually players and dynamics. Nope. They’re still there. So the question isn’t about them, is it? It’s about me. What am I going to do? How am I going to respond? And why am I so darn afraid of heading back to the scale. Scales that to me feel more like scales of judgement, ridicule, failure.
If you couldn’t guess from this inner glimpse to my conflict, you might sense that this is about a whole lot more than weight. Or fitness. Or self-care for that matter. It’s a matter of changing a tape. Finding a new way. In the past when I perceived failure was an option, I’d quit, cover, and move on. A master at performance some might say I have perfected denial to an art form. So, here I am getting back in the saddle. Committing to getting back on the scale this Friday. Committing to getting back on the tredmill tomorrow. Somewhere, some place I have actually discovered that these two things not only make me feel better about myself physically, they also seem to help me keep a better perspective on conflict, challenge, and well, life in general. And most importantly a letting of shame. The shame that is really behind the ole quit while you can performance.
Goodbye Shame. Hello humanity.
Quotations for the Week:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.–Albert Einstein
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. –Rumi