Before I write anything I need to apologize. I made a committment to faithfully blog Tuesdays about the ups, downs, and plateaus of my journey … and I have not held my word. Once broken–it happens. A couple times–with me that’s the beginning of a pattern. Now, you may be thinking, “oh cut yourself a break” or “who cares” or “it’s really no big deal.” And it’s true that for a recovering perfectionist reminders of being human, seeking grace, and cutting slack are often good. BUT here’s what I’ve discovered. I can also run with the slack until it’s a mile long. Pretend under the pretext of perfection. Swim in the water of grace until action ceases. So, this is me–fessing up–I haven’t held my end of the bargain. This is me also admitting my humanity with a simple I’m sorry.
If I recall, when I last wrote, I promised that I would get on the scale…to see the literal weight of my choice to forego “weight watching” for a few weeks. Well, I’m here to report that I didn’t gain a pound…in fact I lost another pound and half and have in fact hit my initial WW goal. Apparently this whole change of lifestyle thing is starting to really work. Who knew? So one might ask, “why then have I had so much trouble going to my first weigh in post goal weight?” I’ve certainly been asking myself this. And I must say I really have been wanting to avoid the scale.
Now, it’s true that I was reared on looking good, hiding imperfections, and pretending that reality I didn’t like didn’t exist. And I in fact can be so good at it I can literally pretend my way into a different reality. But I haven’t really lived like that in years. And honestly for me, part of my own faith formation has been the life-giving quality of looking at ‘what is’. At finding God in the midst of whatever might be happening even in chaos, pain, and suffering. At starting to truly believe that grace exists…even for me. Even in the most challenging moments. Especially in the most challenging moments. And that though crucifixion may be part of living, the miracle of resurrection is indeed possible. So, not facing reality of the scale seemed not only silly but like something I’d already done. Been there, done that.
Until I really took time to ponder. To pray. To Listen. And I remembered what I don’t spend much time thinking about anymore. This isn’t my first time hitting goal weight at Weight Watchers. And the last time. The last time. It rocked my world to its very foundation. In some respects it was a Saul/Paul experience. I know that seems a little melodramatic. Perhaps sacrilegious. But truly beneath 40 pounds of me were all kinds of conflicts and challenges. Conflicts and challenges fed with food.. Feelings I hid with fat. And the leaner, healthier me started to see a whole new reality. A reality that led to the end of the marriage, an exploration of deep childhood wounds, the discovery of a well of emotions that had never been felt. It was not a pretty time. I might have been thin. But I had lost everything that had once helped me survive. (Who knew 40 pounds could have such a purpose?)
So, here I sit. Nine years later. Hitting goal weight again. And part of me cowers with the fear that the love and happiness I have found will disappear like cotton candy at a summer carnival. Even though my rational mind thinks differently, knows differently, says differently, there’s still a little voice. A little voice that can be confused for the still, small voice. A little voice that I need to listen to. Honor. And continue in spite of.
Today I did.
And I will see you next week.
Quotations for the Week:
We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4am of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.–Joan Didion
The Truth shall make you free. (John 8:32)